Today, I Start Living

I turn 40 this year, and I recently found out I am expecting our fourth child in October--quite a surprise for a girl who once thought she would never have children. I never wanted to have children beacuse I was married with the crazy idea that all men cheat, and all men leave--eventually. Sadly, I spent the first two years of my marriage bracing myself for this great guy I married to decide I wasn't what he had hoped for and go find someone else. After learning to trust my husband, I realized maybe I wasn't trusting God too much, either. So I prayed this prayer: "God, I want to have the life You want for me." That's right-- I just turned my life over to the hands of God, not realizing the the life God wanted for me would mean facing my deepest fears and insecurities and trusting Him to get me through.

Not too long ago I had this epiphany. As a Christian, I have heard this scripture many times: . . . I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live. (Deut. 30:19) I always thought this choice was a one-time deal. You choose to follow God or not. But it seems to me that the choice to live or die remains before us in everything. How do I spend my time? What do I feed my body? How do I treat others? Do I take chances?

In my fifteen years of marriage (yes, to the same guy who did not leave), I have learned that in each day, in each moment, I have a choice to make--to live or not. I am not talking about ending my life; I'm talking about starting it. Over and over again I get to choose to face fears, to be inconvenienced now for the benefits that lie ahead, to be stretched way beyond what I thought I could physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually handle. Regrettably, I have not always made the best decisions; but because of my better choices, I have faced the fear of being rejected and have decided to love my husband with reckless abandon; I have three amazing children who never cease to challenge my selfishness and leave me in awe; I have left my extended family and my home to embark on the amazing, painful, joyful, unbelievably rewarding adventure of starting a church with my husband; I have tossed aside the need to compare myself to every woman and have gained beautiful, inspiring girlfriends in the process, and I am just getting started!

One of my favorite poems is "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." Here, the title character looks back on his life with regret because he has always done what was proper and safe. At the end of his life, his sad discovery is that he never really lived. He says, " . . . in short, I was afraid."

So today I turn my back on Prufrock once agian, I decide not to be afraid, and I write.